Leading the Way
by R.C. Sproul Jr.

So maybe it is true that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We do operate differently, and those differences go a long way in explaining why we sometimes don't get along. I would venture that all of you that are married have been through this, and those of you who aren't yet, if God does bless you with a spouse, despite having this warning, you too will step in this particular cowpie.

Here's how it goes. The wife is unhappy. Why doesn't really matter, which is the crux of the whole problem. Mr. Sensitive Husband gently asks the missus whatever could be the problem. She then goes on to explain what's ailing her. Here's the trap. Watch out. Mr. Sensitive instantly does a Jekyll and Hyde switch and begins, oh foolish man, to offer some counsel on how the problem might be fixed. See, you couldn't have done a worse thing. Had you entered the home to see the glum visage and murmured, "Buck-up" before going off to read the paper in privacy you would be in less trouble than you are now.

She's opened up to you. She's bared her soul to you, and you had all the sensitivity to act as though she has merely opened up the hood of the car. She doesn't want you to tell her to pour some soda over the spark plug, she wants you to merely empathize. I know it's hard. You put your glum face on, maybe start out well, "I'm so sorry honey", but in a matter of seconds you blurt out the solution, as if it were uh... something that you had to get rid of quickly. The odds are she knows the solution. She has simply placed it aside for a while so that the two of you can bond. She doesn't need your help, she needs your sympathy.

Frustrating isn't it? I'll play the man with your dilemma, and solve the problem: play the man. You're in charge of your home, and that means that you are in charge of the demeanor of your home. Does everything and everybody seem frazzled and at wit's end when you come home at the end of the day? That's your responsibility. You're the coach, the boss, the shepherd of your home. So therefore the solution is that you tell your wife, "Hey, when you have a problem I'm more than happy to help with it. But you must learn that problems exist to be solved, not to be moped over. No more getting unhappy when I try to solve whatever has made you unhappy." You could do that, but I would advise against it.

For some reason we have confused authority with magic. We think that because we make the decisions that we can reshape reality. But that's not what it means to be in charge. Bill Cowher, the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers does not, before every game tell the players, "Look, I'm in charge here. And what I'm telling you is that you are to win this game. Kordell, every time you throw the ball, throw a touchdown pass, because I've already told the receivers that they are to be open every play, and the line is to see to it that no defensive player touches you. Of course, you may not get a chance because I've instructed the captains to win the coin toss, the return team to return for a touchdown, and the kickoff team to force a turnover every time and run it back for a touchdown."

When the sheep gaze upon the shepherd their thought is not some robotic "Your wish is my command." And no boss in the corporate world instructs those under him to create the product they sell at zero cost and then sell it for all the money in the world. We are leading families, not moving pieces on a chessboard. A good coach knows his players, a good boss knows his employees, just as the Good Shepherd knows His sheep.

Leadership is more than giving orders. It means knowing not only the limitations of those we are called to lead, but finding the solution necessary to get past those barriers. It also means making sure you are doing your job first. And in the home, everything is your job. Orders won't make kids grownups that never spill their milk, and orders won't make women move to Mars.

Maybe the wife is frazzled because you failed to take out the garbage and the overstuffed garbage pail fell on the newly cleaned floor. That's your fault, and the right response is "I'm sorry." Maybe she's not so chipper because the children have disobeying left and right. If so, that's your fault too, because you are the one called to raise godly children. Maybe the children are out of control because the wife hasn't been administering discipline the way you patiently explained to her she should. Guess what? It's still your fault. You are responsible to see that she obeys you as surely as you are responsible to see that they obey her.

I know I've said it before, but this is the one thing that needs to be said, the buck stops with us, husbands. If you never receive another Every Thought Captive, we want you men to take hold of that thought, and to never let it go. And then we want you to act on it, to lead like a leader, not like, some insecure petty tyrant that thinks leading is just giving orders, and surely not like the great mass of men out there who abdicate from morning until night.

No more shrugging your shoulders at these baffling creatures from another planet. No more singing, "Why Can't a Woman Be More like a Man" in the shower. Instead ask God to help you to be more like a man, and lead your wife and your children into being what God calls you to help them to be.