You Da Man

Dear Bob,

You're it buddy. Sorry. There's no getting around it. I know it's not what you want to hear. I know also that it's not what others are telling you. We go in for this independence thing. You know already that it's your job to bring home the bacon. You know also that the conventional wisdom is that you are to do your part of the housework. And surely you know that when those summer weekends come, you'll be burning the meat on the grill. Doesn't that sound like a full plate?

No. It's all you. I know the evangelicals tell you that headship means that you are the tiebreaker. But that's not it. Headship, or leadership means that you are not only driving the ship, but that everything that happens therein is your responsibility. You answer for it all, from the onrushing icebergs down to that single greasy spoon that made it out into the dining room.

The ship over which you are the head, however, is your family. And that's no toy boat. That means, Bob, that you cannot afford to be smug about your place in the family. We all face the temptation to measure our own piety in comparison to those around us. And those most around us are our family. You tell yourself, "I'm so much more faithful at my quiet time than my wife," or "I thank you Lord that I am not a sinner like that one, my child who always loses his temper." The more you are busy patting yourself on the back for being more spiritually mature than your family, the less spiritually mature you are. Not just because you should be more humble, but because every minus in your family's column is a minus in yours. When you complain in your prayers to God about "the woman Thou gavest me," He just laughs. No sympathy, no tenderness, just laughter at the silliness of His servant. That's what it means to be the head.

When you go to your friends and laugh at the silly things your wife has said or done, you're walking around with your fly down. Again, not only is such not a very nice thing to do, but what you're doing is laughing at yourself. Every speck in your wife's eye is necessarily a mote in your own. Perhaps this will make it easier for you. With your wife and kids, they're rubber and you're glue; everything you say bounces off them, and sticks to you.

Yup, it takes a lot of the fun out of your family doesn't it? Heck, I've sat with you and traded stories before. In fact I've beaten you in the who-has-the-silliest-wife contest. Which of course means that I lost. The complaining we did not only means that we don't honor our wives enough to protect them; it not only means that we're mean spirited, and enjoy humor at our wives' expense; it shows that we haven't been taking responsibility for our families. Bob, it shows that we are cowards. We stink at being husbands and fathers.

So what do we do? The same thing we do with everything else we do wrong- repent. It would be a good thing for you to go to Bobbi Ann and tell her what you've done. She will be more horrified that you embarrassed her than that you failed to see her sanctification as your job. And that's one more sign of your failure. Tell her you haven't led her as you should have. Tell her that from now on her failures are your failures. And tell her the same is true for the kids. Never again will you say, "Kids! What can you do?"

Then seek God's grace. Repent to Him as well. Tell Him you know you've failed, and that you cannot succeed without Him. Tell Him you know old habits are hard to break. And ask Him how to sanctify your family. Tell Him that you want to do it His way, not the world's way, no matter the cost. And then gird up your loins and get to work. Be ready to battle it out for the long haul. You'll never be tired enough that God will excuse you from this responsibility. You never get a vacation from this job, nor time off for good behavior. Be prepared to deal with the wrath of your family which usually isn't much interested in sanctification in the middle of their sin. And be prepared to feel a weight upon your shoulders that is permanent

But there is some good news. First, God's grace is sufficient. He knows our frailty, and like our sin deals with it not by overlooking it but by conquering it. You are not alone. Your Husband is also hard at work in your sanctification, and He never gets tired.

Second, there are rewards. You will find as time passes that far more satisfying than sharing laughter with another over your wife's foibles is the joy of hearing your friends say, "Man, you sure are blessed to have such a great wife." You will hear other women speak of their admiration for your wife. And even if they don't know it, you'll know it is because of God's work through you. You get to be God's instnunent in this glorious work. And that is what makes a man a man.

I'm your friend Bob. And I say these things as one who has not only been there, but from time to time visits again. Like all my sermons, it is needful that I should hear them too. And so I'll ask your help. When I grumble, or when I laugh about the sin of those under my authority, please let me know my barn door is open. I'll do the same for you. Our Husband will thank us for it.