Right Side In
by Denise Sproul

One thing we've unfortunately learned from the Freudian revolution, and that we sometimes take too much to heart, is that the inside of a person is the real side. That is to say, we think our real selves are the internal, emotional part that only we can see (except for those times we have some sort of emotional outburst, where our 'true' feelings are made known). When we adhere to this worldview, we are less concerned with what we do than with how we feel. And if we feel a need to change certain things about ourselves, we have to really dig deeply, fiddling around while sunk in the muck of ourselves. We look at our childhood, analyze our dreams, blame our parents for our potty-training in order to figure yourself out or to give ourselves excuses for why we are the way we are.

While we ought to beware this kind of hogwash, we want to affirm that we are more than just the outside. After all, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." Our actions are reflections of how we think and what we feel. The inside isn't the only side. But on the other hand, no one wants to be a white-washed tomb, sparkly on the outside, while inside filled with dead men's bones. It is not pleasing to the Lord to be outwardly clean but inwardly dirty. Man looks at the outward, but the Lord looks at the heart.

This concern we should have for looking at things the way God does should extend to how we look at our children and raise them for the Lord. But before we get to their insides, we have to look at our own. We all tend to be more interested in looking good than in being good. Perhaps we're not overly concerned with our physical attractiveness, but we worry about what our actions look like to others (and usually those outside our families). How sad that we don't take the same care with our families and with how the Lord sees what we are doing. Note, for instance, how much more panicked and bothered we are when our children disobey in front of other people. We are embarrassed, or we feel guilty because their misbehavior is often a reflection of our neglect of diligence. However, when we overreact to their disobedience because we are embarrassed, we teach them to be hypocrites, just like us. We are telling them that their sin is most grievous to us because someone outside the family saw it.

What we want is changed behavior and repentant hearts. Another way of saying this is that we want deeds of commission without deeds of omission. We want our children not only to stop sinning, but to actively pursue doing the right thing. A child who merely doesn't do the wrong thing outwardly may not be growing in grace inside. We want them not only not to shove each other, but to love each other and look out for one another. We want them to protect each other and not want anyone else to shove their siblings either. This is part of what it means to have a covenant mindset. If Campbell sees someone picking on Delaney, he should see if there's something he can do to stop it (and if all else fails, yes, he may come tell Mommy and Daddy).

A good way to start working on our children's insides ( or to continue along that path) is to encourage deeds of commission. Too often we see discipline in strictly negative terms—"Don't do that!" "Stop that this instant!" We are disciplining and discipling them when we say, "Yes, do this!" or "Focus on doing that more often. I like how you cleaned up the living room without me asking you to, just knowing it needed to be done." Or we can point out good heart attitudes when we see evidence of them, like, "It was sweet of you to offer to take Shannon outside for a walk." Encourage them in their growth in grace by telling them what the right thing looks like and most definitely praising it when you see it. Even if they're not as far along in certain areas of their character as we would like them to be, encouraging them when they're moving in the right direction is a big help. We are "spurring them on to righteousness and good deeds." While we are encouraging these good deeds, however, we must warn them against being white-washed tombs. For all our covenantal confidence, let us not fall into Presbyterian presumption. That is, we must call our children, as we call ourselves, to repent from the heart.

An outward, dead giveaway about our children's lack of repentance toward each other is if they just mumble, "Sorry," without even looking at their offended brother. You easily know that they are not truly sorry and asking for forgiveness. Another clear indicator of a lack of heart-felt contrition is if you hear them saying, "SHHH…sorry! Please be quiet! I'm going to get in big trouble!" In that case, they're more concerned about the physical consequences of their sin than the fact that they have sinned.

Of course, we must also be aware of our limitations. Don't become a Puritan, browbeating the children until they sufficiently manifest their internal sorrow. I don't need to say, "Darby, I know you said you're sorry, but I just don't see true remorse that you carelessly dropped that letter on your way back from the mailbox." Do be a Puritan, however, and pray with vigor and passion that the children will each grow in grace. Make this, in fact, a part of the liturgy of your life. Pray daily that God would be pleased to sanctify your children. And while you're praying, pray in repentance for your own failures, that your children will not suffer because we fail so miserably. Thank God also for your own growth in grace that your failures continue to decrease, a wonderful work of the Holy Spirit. In short, our calling here, as with everything else, as we call our children to repent and believe, is to repent and believe.