Lords of the Manor
by Denise Sproul

What can dispensationalism possibly have to do with being a mother? I had to do quite a bit of thinking, listening and reading (mostly of this issue of ETC) in order to make that connection myself. Dispensationalists fundamentally want God to be liked and work to make Him appealing to others. They deny His authority and offer a way to be saved, without having to obey. They affirm that we can have Jesus as our savior but not as our Lord; dispensationalists fear that a Christ who demands to rule is a Christ that too many won't find attractive. In the same way that these folks want God to be liked, we ourselves want to be liked - even by those under our authority. For parents, that can mean yearning for our children's acceptance and stamp of approval.

We want our children to like us - we're not just satisfied with the obligatory love - we want them to think we're "cool." We want their approval and because they are sinners, they want to withhold that approval when we require them to obey. We are tempted to present ourselves as "savior" but not as "lord." We cringe sometimes about enforcing certain rules simply because we're the authority. I used to think "because I said so" was a horrible, nonsensical utterance from a parent's lips (and not just when I was a child). Now I realize that, while I wouldn't want to use it in every instance, this is a perfectly legitimate thing for a parent to say to a child. Your authority as given by God is enough reason for any non-sinful thing you ask your offspring to do. It is sometimes appropriate to tell our children what factors went into a decision (partly to help teach them how to make decisions) but it is not something you want to set up as a debate.

We provide for our children's needs. We demonstrate our self-sacrificing love to them every day. This is a good thing, but also something about which we must be careful. Children don't generally learn the principle of being self-sacrificing by watching us do it, they learn that others are supposed to sacrifice for them. They learn to get, not give. This is something that can't be taught just by modeling it. If that's all you ever do, they learn to think, "Great! The world revolves around me and my comfort!" They need to be told and encouraged to act on the biblical principle that he that would be first must be last.

Because it is children's natural inclination to sin, we attempt to hide our authority from them. We try to be their buddy instead of their parent. We want them to see us as their peer, someone who is a best friend. We will often put ourselves through all sorts of contortions to avoid telling our children what to do - make it seem like his idea, use peer pressure, manipulate circumstances to make him decide the way we think is best. Why not just say, "No, you may not wear that outfit," or "No, you may not address adults by their first names," or "This is what we are having for dinner tonight?" While it is certainly true that we want to be close to our children , that we want to be intimately (yet appropriately) involved in their lives even when they are grown, the first thing that parents are to children is their authority. It is ironic that this authority that we often want to shirk for some imagined popularity is the very thing that draws our children close to us and makes them feel safe and loved and thus, much more likely to show us their affection. How many of us have seen our children go in a downward spiral of disobedience because we weren't taking our authority seriously and making ourselves discipline as we should? We know that he who spares the rod spoils the child -this literally means he hates the child (Proverbs 13:24). And how many times have we observed peace returning to our home and contentment returning to our child's countenance when we appropriately use our authority in calling them to obedience? We conveniently forget or ignore God's promise in Ephesians 6:1 that obedient children will have things go well for them. One of the things that will go well for them is having a close relationship with their parents - and that doesn't mean looking at their parents as their equal, as their buddy. You can have a great time with your children and delight in God's giving them to you - but you are still their authority.

One way we shirk our authority - especially when our children are young - is by giving them too many choices. Teaching them how to make wise choices is important but is a much more gradual process than many parents seem to believe. We give them too many choices too soon. Young children are not the best judges of what they should eat or when they should go to bed - so why do we frequently let them decide? We don't want to make waves or have a conflict; we want to be liked. They become wise in their own eyes, thinking they are the only authority they need. They don't need us and if it came right down to it, they don't need God.

God does not tell parents that they ought to have authority, but that they do. Acting as if you don't have authority doesn't change the fact that you've got it. To hide your God-given authority from your children or to use it in a way that is not honoring to God is to violate God's authority. Don't be a dispensational parent, but be the king or queen of your home that God has called you to be. This will look somewhat different depending on the ages of your children, but it should never look like anarchy. Teach your children, by obeying God's authority in this matter, that they are under your authority until they have homes of their own and that they will always be under God's authority - even when He takes them home.